The air was still and crisp. The sun had set by then for a while and the lingering crimson on the horizon had just disappeared.
“Look at the stars,” I told you.
“I see them, they’re beautiful,” You replied.
“They’re more than beautiful,” I said, “They are ferocious. Think of them. They are far, but think of them up close. Hear their flame. Hear the explosions and the burning. The light, so bright. Go there! Be enveloped by the flame and become the star. Feel the fire, feel the ferocity. The stars live,” I said. “They live as I have never lived before. Feel their intensity. Feel it. Feel it. Let it grip you and whip you about, imbue you with a vigor and fervor, a primordial urge to live. My love, you must grab it like you would a raging bull. Get pulled and thrashed, feel yourself almost let go, focus solely on hanging on. Feel it. Let it grip you. Do you feel it? That is the will to live. That is what it means to look pure life in the face and scream at it, tear at it, and envelop it. Your soul engorges the star. It swallows it. Feel the intensity. Feel the passion. You will never feel another one like it. Oh my love, tonight I live. Tonight I live.”
•••
“My love, you must feel your life envelop you. Let it grab you by the throat and stuff your body with needles and embrace it with your whole being. Tear them out of you and beat it to a pulp. Beat it and become it. Shake with fervor. SHAKE. And feel the world move to your rhythm. It’s real, it’s all so very real. Do you hear it? Do you hear the call? ‘The call of what?’ You ask. The call of insanity. The call of the ferocious. The call of all that exists! The call of what you will never be! My love! Let it taunt you! Let it grip you! Let it fill you up and pour out of you. No one will ever love you. No one ever can! Embrace it! Embrace it with your entire being, like you could with nothing else. You will see the ultimate reality of your existence, my love. FEEL IT! You don’t seem to see it. You aren’t enveloped by it. You must embrace it, otherwise you will never live. look! LOOK! You must! It passes you by and th—“
•••
“You will never be enough. No one ever is. You must look at others, and deep down, you have to hate them. Truly hate them. That is the only true respect. Feel it in your bones, let it slide between your teeth and weave its way down your throat into your heart. My love, feel it. Feel it. That is what this world is: feeling.”
And I screamed. I screamed into the world and it stole me and I stole myself into it. The craze and the fervor. The ecstasy. It is all there— it’s always there.
“I am here. I am here. Never leave me. No, I needn’t you. I hate you. But I hate you with an open heart. Don’t you get it? Don't you see? The sublime, this is it. This is the sublime. Nothing is higher. Nothing is better. Be into me. Your soul must escape you and envelop the world. Eat it. Eat the world. Feel it in you. No, not your stomach. Feel it in your being. This is it. This is reality. EAT IT. EAT IT. EAT IT. Scream into it…. This is what it means to live.”
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I'm Robert Shafer, a college freshman from Albuquerque, New Mexico. This is a short excerpt, lightly edited to stand on its own, from my upcoming book, The Golden Sun, which is set to publish in April of 2021 with New Degree Press. It's my first book, and I'm very excited to share it!
It's a book about a man who feels "rootless" and so he goes on a train trip to try and reconnect with his mom's past. In the process, he meets a wide variety of people whose stories he learns in the process of his train journey. It deals with themes of loneliness, meaning, identity, and ideology.
But anyhow, this excerpt I've attached is said by a woman that the main character meets on the train and with whom he has a romantic relationship. She gets in a sort of weird trance state one night once they get off the train and what she goes on to say to him is what's written above.
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